light

You can chose to begin this article and finish it alongside the concrete structure of your worldview. You can view the words, you can understand the words, and you can think about the words. But You have a choice — and how you perceive the product of an individual’s experience in this world is one of those choices. These are my words — this is the product of my experiences — I cannot control how you perceive them, but I can hope that you will approach this article with an open door.

When you encounter someone, you are interacting with the result of a group of experiences — their experiences. These experiences are the only attributes that separate you from me — and me from you. 

Experience is knowledge. Experience is the one fact that does not need evidence — because regardless of how things should be — shouldn’t be — or might be — your experiences are what they are. Because of this, streamlining the qualities of one’s mental state is impossible. I do not know, truly how you feel — why you truly  feel that way — or how to truly relate. Because how could I? Our experiences are in no such way the same, therefore the path to becoming who you want to become cannot reside within anyone else’s mind — and most definitely not from my words.

However,

what makes us as humans special — is our ability to construct thoughts about the future — legitimately create scenarios and scenes in our heads, and imagine not only the physical results, but the internal feelings associated.

This is what drives all of the decisions we make — and this is what drives me to share my knowledge — the result of my experiences — to you.

Approach these words with a purpose. Allow the words to access the vault of your experiences. Find your desire, not to expand, but to seize the rampant flow of negative traffic that grinds through your head.

Emotion is what makes us feel alive — pain, love, fear, sympathy, agony — good or bad — emotion is what makes us feel alive. And it pains me to see so many of us alive —  but yet so many of us dead.

This subject resides deeply within my structure, because it truly takes enduring the storm to pass through to the blue skies — and the darkest hour is no stranger to me.

This life is impossible to live without others — because like many other mammals — humans thrive together. Sadly, we live in an individualist society — so even my act of attempting to procure the fellow members of our world will likely be viewed as a falsity.

So I will tell you that I am selfish — I write for myself. I write because its how I can speak without yelling. Its how I can make others feel something, when I may feel nothing. Its how I explain what is too difficult to explain. And I write because its the only time I feel like I am apart of something greater than myself.

I write because it sickens me to remember the days that I stared into my pillow. The days that I walked to class with my headphones in because music was the only sound that could blanket the agony of my thoughts. The mornings where the face in the mirror lost it’s name, and the nights when I was waiting for someone to call my name – or moan my name – or just remember that there was a person behind this name that was begging for a way out.

You begin to forget what its like to feel. Your colorful array of emotions are consumed by  a dark cloud of grey. You listen to others speak, but nothing can be absorbed. Your mind has completely secluded itself from the world, therefore the world cannot affect you. A hug cannot reach you. The love you know you have laughs at you behind a glass pane. You question everything, and the answers mean nothing. 

This feeling is a sickness. Its contagious. And what kind of man would I be to sit back and watch as we fall deeper. Happiness cannot be shared alone.

This feeling is a sickness, but this feeling is not a disease. A sickness is a temporary part of you; a disease is something you cannot rid. When you get a cold, your body fights back, and often times it will win on it’s own. There is no medication needed for a common cold, in-fact often times a common cold cannot even be cured with medicine — the symptoms can only be masked. If you don’t believe that this feeling is a sickness — if you believe this feeling is a disease — I ask you to relate to yourself. Experience is the one fact that does not need evidence, and you have evidence that this is not you. You have not always been like this. 

Eventually you will run out of self pity. You can attempt to feed yourself the tears of your lies, but you will be left unsatisfied. You can search the outbound world for a solution. You can tail another human and imagine them lifting you up, placing you upon their celestial pedestal and instantly reviving the nerve endings in your heart that have all but died. You can run somewhere else, but you will be travelling with baggage that cannot be ditched — cannot be sold — and cannot be traded.

This sickness was triggered by a germ. Something in the ocean of your experience has upset the tides of your well-being. Instead of diving into the depths of our waters, we skim the surface with a pair of goggles — looking down into the darkness — hoping to find a grain of sand with your solution engraved in it’s frame. Simply put, this will never result in anything. You will be floating along, on the brink of drowning, until your mind exhausts from pure boredom.

This sickness require you to fight. And the fight needs to be set on your terms, and played by your rules. If you do not want to fight, then don’t. You will find yourself outside the ring, looking upon the person that you so desperately wish to become. You must explore this vision. If you do not know what you want from this life, you will not find anything. If you want money, then go get your money — do it for you. If you want to work your dream job, then go get your dream job — do it for you. If you want to be at peace then go find your peace — but do it for you. And when you retain that vision — put on your fucking gloves and fight to get to who you want to become.

You cannot run from yourself. I constantly hear people joking, “Yeah I hate to be alone because then I’m stuck with my thoughts.” Stuck with your thoughts? Thoughts synthesize in your head because they hold value within your being. You think as a result — a response — of your experiences. And shit, sometimes you are bombarded with a constant flow of painful experiences, and thus painful thoughts are bound to follow. And when these thoughts protrude, its so easy to just slip them under the carpet and attend to them later, but in doing so you are just piling a stack of pain that — when it all overflows — is truly impossible to reconcile with.

You need to take ownership of your thoughts and experiences — and the only way to move forward is to retract yourself, venture into your mind, and make peace with your past. That means embracing the pain, letting the tears flow, allowing the anger to rage, and then putting an end to your resentment. 

You cannot change what has happened to you — you cannot change your experiences — but you can change how you perceive them.

Experience is knowledge. And with every experience — there is something that can be taken and used to progress yourself moving forward. When you are broken, there is nothing left to do other than progress — and I truly believe that it takes reaching one’s breaking point to be able to acquire what you are searching for. Beginning the journey is the toughest part — especially when the clouds have consumed not only your emotions — but they’ve rid you of your sleep, and your motivation.

All you can do, is take it day by day. When you are overwhelmed — force yourself to take a step back. You cannot fight two battles at once, and you cannot fight your future battles. I urge you to recognize that, even though it may seem like your life is falling apart — everything is actually okay. I’m going to speak in assumption that if you’re reading this you have access to the internet — which would lead me to believe you have a bed to sleep on at night. You have food on your table. And you have the means to survive. Everything is actually okay. It’s not usually good to compare your life to that of others — but truly you have it easy. It gets complicated when you are pressed by issues of health, because through personal experience, when your body is physically failing — it can be incredibly difficult to find a light in the darkness. But if you are healthy, and you aren’t pan handling on a corner or scraping through a dumpster for food — Everything is actually okay.

Sometimes it helps to almost belittle your life, and look at everything from a tiny pinhole. When you look — you’ll see a young person just living. And that in itself is something to be grateful for.

Pinpoint what you are in-fact grateful for. Discover what truly means something to you, because likely what is causing grief in your life is the same thing that — if resolved — could grant you satisfaction. Often times this means mending a broken relationship, or likewise, ending one. I can’t stress enough the importance of surrounding yourself with people that encourage you to progress — not with their words — but with their actions and their desires. If you are trying to move on from a part of your life, often times it will be impossible to do so if everyone you surround yourself with is still involved with what you are trying to avoid. When I mention something of this sort — my mind directs me to sobriety.

When you are in an altered state of mind, really take note of your actions and your underlying thoughts. When you’re drunk for example — if you find yourself angry or aggressive, I can guarantee there is something happening beneath the surface. Instead of letting the alcohol consume you, take some time away from being intoxicated and learn to appreciate sobriety. Make peace with the real world, because this is where the real you will really live — for the rest of your life here on Earth.

And on this Earth, we live together. And a lot of the times, all of this can be really really hard. You must realize though, that we are all damaged. We’ve all hurt, betrayed, and lied. We’ve all been hurt, betrayed, and lied to. Therefore, you can’t expect everyone to take you under their wing and mend you back to life. Realize this truth, and sympathize with it. Sympathy is understanding, and to understand is to recognize the harsh truth that humans hurt each other. No singular person makes it through this life without enduring mental or physical distraught — and once you realize this, your reign of self pity will end. You will see that you didn’t do anything to deserve this because what you are experiencing is something that no one deserves, but no one can avoid. And like you must do with everything else that you desire in this life — you MUST fight, you must WORK, and you must WANT — more than anything — to succeed. And to be at peace with yourself — to be at peace with the world — and to lay your head down at night and simply breathe — there is no greater achievement — there is no greater success. That is — the light. 

Thank you for taking the time to read what I have to say and once again I will say that I do not know something that you do not, nor do I believe that I have a solution to a problem. I am simply very passionate in the fact that any issues that are self derived can be self resolved. 

— Jordan Weiner


look

Remember as a child, when you would sit down with a box of crayons and a blank piece of paper, and your mind would run rampant with all sorts of random and beautiful  things to attempt to paint onto that paper. You would’t sit there and ask yourself if you should do this, or if you can do this, or what people would think of you if you did draw something. You just did it. You took your crazy and spontaneous desire to create a piece of art, and you tried — and when you were done — you picked it up and you showed it to all your friends and your teacher and you were proud as hell. You’d take that picture, regardless of what anyone else thought and you’d run home and you’d look at your mother and hand her that paper and without hesitation, up on the refrigerator it would go for the whole house and all those to be welcomed inside to see.

How often do you take action, and appeal to your artistic side? We all have a vision inside our minds, we are children of the renaissance, and we live in a world in which expressing your thoughts is supported in ways that have never existed before. So few people release the artistic child that is begging to create a rift on the guitar, or paint on your makeshift canvas, or build a wood castle with your Lincoln Logs ( look that shit up and tell me it isn’t a trip).

Art has forever been a symbol of change in history — from rock n roll, to the publishing of controversial books, and into the skies with 80 story sky scrapers. Since the beginning of time, humans have created. People have looked death in the face, been exiled to far away places, and shed blood simply for the opportunity to express themselves. We eat up the creations of others through the internet, and subconsciously we wish we were the creators of this piece that leaves you speechless; this work of art that you know is not beyond you.

When you find yourself with that awkward itch within your soul to do something, instead of picking up your phone, pick up a pencil. Create a wordpress. Write a poem. Synthesize a melody. Talk with yourself — find that part of you that has all but drowned in the timeline of progression. Your art can impact others in a real, significant way, but caging your imagination inside of you is like sentencing your humanity to life in a dark, cold room — where your words fade into the abyss of your mind, and your creations shatter into the cracks along the sidewalk.

We all have something special to say, something unique to create.

The results of our imaginations are threaded through the lenses in which no one before you has worn. 

Be yourself.


The Pursuit of Happiness

I am currently taking a Philosophy course at Grand Canyon University, a Christian school. The class has widened my train of thought extensively, and forced me to think about life in ways I previously had not. A majority of the class focuses on the philosophy of metaphysics and the nature of the universe, which as a Christian, there are no questions to be asked, but rather answers to be discussed. Which is fine, I am not one to judge. But when the subject of God’s existence was brought up, and we watched a debate between a famous Christian philosopher, and a world renowned Atheist, the follow-up class discussion placed myself front and center.

Frankly I am not quite sure what I believe, honestly it doesn’t really matter to me, it doesn’t effect a single aspect of my being, however my professor made a statement that picked at my strings. He said something of the sort, “As Christians, we are given a purpose, and our purpose is to glorify God through our existence. Atheists however, they have no purpose, they have no specified reason to live.”

I was quick to fire back, but when he asked me directly to state what my purpose was, I stalled. Because technically I have no actual purpose, because I have no governor, I have no being overruling my existence.

So I was left without an answer, and choked on the spot.

Leaving class I was appalled , because he was not wrong. As an Atheist, you have no purpose, or in other words, you are not given a purpose. I know my purpose on this Earth is not to become an IT guy and secure networks for the rest of my life, I am also pretty sure I have no divine purpose. I’ve stretched ideas of teaching young adults that which I try to understand. I’ve explored thoughts on ditching this country and moving to a place in which none of this would even matter. I dreamed of being a football player as a young boy, and realistically believed I would march through medical school and earn the title of Dr. Weiner.

We have all imagined, believed, thought, and expressed — ideas of what we envision for ourselves. Reminisce or search for what you envisioned for yourself throughout your life. You’ll notice that something will stand out about each vision, and each of these specific things is just that — its a thing. It’s physical, its a title, its a place, it’s your soulmate. It’s something. 

Now, what is happiness? It’s subjective isn’t it? Because its malleable, its pixie dust, its abstract. Happiness, like God, exists as an idea in the mind. As a Christian, you aren’t born with the idea of God in your mind, God requires learning, and this belief is fed by faith. Because without faith, God does not exist, because God is not perceived to be physical. Why is happiness treated differently?

As a human, you aren’t born with the idea of happiness in your mind, happiness requires learning, and this belief is fed by faith. Because without faith, happiness does not exist, but we treat happiness as if it is physical.  Some of you will think about this and deny it, because you think you understand what it means to “chose to be happy” or the fact that happiness is a mindset, but that will not stop you from forcing yourself to cram things into your life in an attempt to create that which does not truly exist.

I write this as If I know some sort of answer, but I do not, because I don’t think there is a singular answer. Happiness exists on the same spectrum that the topic of God does because the nature of it’s being is unknowable due to it’s abstract and subjective nature.

However, it is easy to see how people mistake what they attribute the feeling of happiness towards. We miss the underlying aspect of what is truly causing us to respond the way we do when we experience this feeling; we are too specific in its cause, leaving us with a specific, often not dependable desire.

For example, think about a fun night you had recently. A night that was seemingly perfect. You went out with your friends, you laughed, you drank, you danced, you smiled and you owned the night. The entire night you were– well– happy. So, obviously and naturally you want to go out again, with the same people, to the same place, and drink the same drink, because you know for a fact this is the formula to achieve that great feeling.

You can see how each of those things are physical, they are here or there. They are obtainable through desire, and easily accessible at that. So the nights continue, and the happiness does as well. But over time its not so fun, its not so easily accessible, the people may not be around, the club may lose its lust, and your desire fades. Your desire for the night that is, but your desire for that feeling persists, and you don’t know where to buy it, or who to call, or where to go. Suddenly you don’t believe it existed at all. And this goes back to my initial statement; without faith, happiness does not exist, but we treat happiness as if it is physical.

Happiness is neither here nor there because it exists only as an idea and it is falsely represented through the objects,the people, or the things in which you interpret happiness to reside within. It’s not about finding it, or building it, but instead its about believing it’s there, and believing that happiness is not above you.

Because of it’s abstract definition, the only way in which happiness can be truly altered is in cohesion with other abstract parts of life. Friendship – a word for an emotional relationship between two people. Love itself cannot be held in the palm of your hand.

Trust. Peace. Clarity. Failure. Sorrow. Joy. Beauty. Justice.
These are abstract nouns, and really think about how each word has impacted you in some way throughout your life; and its effect on your happiness. This correlation, if understood, will open the door to a new outlook on life.

Our generation has been marked as one that thrives on instant satisfaction. Many of our years have been spent with gracious attributes and qualities of life at our finger-tips. When bored we mindlessly, and instantaneously cram bullshit to distract us. When we think about someone, we just text them, face time them, snap chat them, and now they are seemingly there.  We make promises over the phone. We find peace in Netflix. We tend to our sorrow by looking down upon the lives of others. The joy of attention has engulfed the joy of serenity. Friendships are fake, love is mistaken, and beauty is no longer in the eye of the beholder, but in the fingertips of your followers.

These qualities of life, these qualities that directly correlate with one’s happiness, they used to take time to achieve, to understand.  But the patience no longer exists. Instant gratification has ended the hike, and now we just expect to find ourselves at the top of the mountain.

The feeling, the end- goal that we all desire, it takes time to truly achieve, and currently I am feeling this truth. One day, life seems flawless, and the next day, life can seem dull. Your decisions look questionable, the people in your life don’t look the same, the day is simply different than the one before. And some may say this is a part of life, but I wont believe it, I refuse to believe that there is anything else out there for us in the end besides serenity.

So how does this belief — this pursuit — correlate with my life?

For the longest time, honestly throughout the majority of my life, I pitied myself. I felt as if people should feel sorry for me, and I felt sorry for myself — I used having red hair as an excuse to define myself as an outsider. I blamed my small arms on my genetics. I drowned in the sorrow of sickness, and felt as if I probably deserved to suffer anyways. I constantly felt as if life owed me something. I was not living my own life; I was victimized by my thoughts, my beliefs, and my desires.

I was a victim to life. Think about what this may mean — to be a victim. Victims are never viewed with strength, but instead handed strength out of pity. They do not know they are strong, they are told they are strong. Victims are not players of the game, they are played by the game. Victims do not make moves, they wait. They sit around with their lives on pause, because pressing play is terrifying,and they’ve convinced themselves that whatever is likely to precede them, is more than likely to bring them down.

I was a victim. There are still parts of my being that are victimized by my thoughts and my actions. But through this desire to change — through discovering my passion for life in its entirety — I learned that the way in which we approach our lives is doomed to fail from the start

We wake up and we ask ourselves, “What am I going to do today?”

Am I going to learn in class today? Am I going to go to the gym? Am I going to be product? Am I going to chill? Relax? Maybe hang out with some friends?

These are all good things right? None of these things are destructive nor will they deter us from our paths in which we think we want to walk towards. But when you act in response to the thoughts that reside at the surface of your mentality, the result of these  actions fail to pierce the thick layer of this surface, and the result — the reward — never truly synthesizes within you.

The question that we need to ask ourselves internally, and the question that we need to spend time figuring out, is Why.

Why am I going to do what I’m going to do today?”

When you ask yourself why you are doing the things you do, a whole new meaning — an entirely fresh purpose — is injected into your life. In discovering why your life and the little daily actions that are contained within it — occur, your vision and the you that you once so vaguely imagined, suddenly becomes polished.

Your life embodies ownership. In an instance, your actions that once required a mental push and an immense amount of energy, seamlessly float into your life.

Using one of Simon Sinek’s examples, take the Civil Rights Movement and Martin Luther King. Martin Luther King said, “I have a dream!”, not — “I have a plan!” This dream that he envisioned for himself and the people of America, was a result of Martin Luther King not simply saying, “We need equal rights for all!”, but instead,

“Now is the time (why?) to  make
real the promises of democracy. Now is the time (why?)to rise
from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the
sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to (why?)lift our
nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid
rock of brotherhood. ”

Never once did he lose sight of why his dream would one day become a reality, and neither did the thousands of black and white Americans that stood before him on that day.

Martin Luther King is a premier example of what it means to be an owner. To own not only your life — but your purpose and your intentions that cannot be retrieved from the surface of one’s being, but must be expressed over time, from the inner depths of the human soul in it’s most fiery and passionate form.

So I ask you to not simply move along in this life as if your actions day by day are simply part of a checklist for which the completion results in an outcome that of which you are unaware. I ask you — as a result of the passion and love I’ve discovered in these words — to place yourself outside the boundaries in which you’ve subconsciously formed. To find yourself outside your comfort zone — the place that keeps you at bay, the place that prevents you from bashing the walls of your exterior — and discover not only what in this life will lead you to a place where fear does not exist, but why you look at yourself from time to time — and wonder if this Pursuit of Happiness will ever come to an end. 


Change

One of the scariest things in this life, is the realization of the passing or the turning from one chapter in your story, to another. Except in this book, this book that is titled with your name on the front, when you go to flip the page, there is no chapter title, there are no words, and there is no bridge to lead you into the next scene. You simply either discover for your own, or you are forced to realize that the page needs to be turned, and this chapter of your life needs to be dotted with an ending.

The fear that lies in-between the minuscule length of a page within this book varies as the book progresses. Earlier chapters will transition slower, the introductions will be more difficult to construct, and the content will seem less appealing. And this is self-derived, as a defensive mechanism to the adversity and discomfort of change. As much as people claim they do not want a straight-edged life, a life of this sort is a comfortable one. A life of this sort is an easy one, comparable to a Dr. Seuss book. It may be filled with humor, love , wacky adventures, and clever misdoings . It will lead a large majority to a fulfilling life, and it will also force a large majority to accept that they are fulfilled, as their book has ended, and there is simply no room for any more words to fit between the flimsy, paper-backed bindings.

Change, however, the transition — the difficult and uncomfortable and mysterious transition into a blank page, is liberation. In turning this page, in truly moving on from a portion – a person – a mindset- a lifestyle – of your life, you are breaking free of the chains that were previously restricting you from advancing forward and progressing your story. Imagine a love story that begins with a man and his beloved girlfriend, and the woman moves on, and the man never does. He simply refuses to turn the page, he retains all pictures, he grasps onto to all memories for dear life, he refuses to let go, and that’s how the story ends.

This is no story, this is a tragedy. This is a timeline that is better fit to be placed in the eulogy of this man, as his soul died long before his heart stopped.

This is present in more than just love. This is present in those who never stop feeling sorry for themselves. Or in those who accept to believe they cannot change their body appearance, or in those who let fear prevent them from breaking off the beaten path. People who project their own issues onto others are terrified of change. The idea of facing their issues or the events in their life that have left them broken is absolutely terrifying. Why would I disrupt this Dr. Seuss, simple, childish wave that I’ve found myself hanging on to. I’m doing fine. I will ride this wave until the day I die. I will refuse to change any aspect of my story, because Chapter One — the introduction — is all anyone needs to read in order to understand the full meaning behind your existence.

All of you will read this last portion and you will feel sick. Because the idea of being stuck, the idea of being withdrawn of the power to change yourself, is destructive. Which is why I cannot express the importance of visualizing the dynamic aspects of our being as humans. Change is what has driven humanity as a whole to its peak of achievement, and change is what will lead you to the person you know you can become. Your best You already exists within you, it just takes the energy and the desire to truly want to change. Flip your page, continue your story. Every great book builds. Your past is a part of your story. Attempting to white out the words of your past will not result in a fulfilling story, you simply must write in a way in which the reader ( you ) can understand. Appreciate what has been etched onto your pages, and create something great with what you’ve experienced, who you’ve experienced with, and the person these experiences have influenced — not defined. Glossarys are found at the end of books. Here, definitions are defined as the writer intended, and at the end of your book, your final chapter should be dotted, stamped, and signed off with a smile, or a tear, or silence — anything but regret because you refused to face the fear of change.


Stop Talking

For as long as I can remember, the phrase, “Actions speak louder than words”, has resonated inside of me. Its such a simple saying, and very easy to understand. Apply this phrase to any sense of feeling in your life, and it will apply.

We all know the 5 human senses, taste, sight, touch, smell, and hearing.

These 5 senses are the driving force of emotion. Your senses are what raise the goosebumps on your arms, flip your stomach, and awaken your human spirit. You may ask,”Well aren’t my emotions heavily controlled by thought? When I think of someone I miss, and it makes me sad, wouldn’t thought be the driving force?” My personal answer to that question would be that your thoughts are derived from memories of how that person sparked your senses. You miss the sight of them, their touch, and the sound of their voice.

You don’t however, look back and reminisce of the words they texted you. Well you might, but if you do, you are probably part of the issue I commonly see.

The digital world has fucked all of us. It has created an easy way out. It has allowed us to bypass the fear of expressing ourselves to one another. Texting has removed the incredibly difficult, and rewarding action of expressing your feelings. We are keyboard warriors, creating this image of who we want to be, and what we want to say, without ever having to confront the fear that lies behind this person.

Our phones have given a voice to the mute, a personality to the bland, and spirit to the empty-hearted. This seems like a good thing right? Of course it seems like a great thing, but this voice, this personality, this spirit – it only exists in a world that does not actually exist. Therefore, it doesn’t exist at all.

People spend so much time in this digital world, interacting with people who are portraying their digital selves, that this digital person convinces others that their digital self is what actually exists in the real world. And this trickery is sick.

By taking part in this performance, you are guaranteeing disappointment somewhere in your life. By portraying yourself as someone greater than you actually are, you are doing yourself and others no good. Because at some point, the digital world will not be enough for the true spirit inside of you that is fighting for something real. This desire will eventually lead you to, for example, finally meet up with that girl you’ve been talking to online for months. Man is she beautiful. She’s so funny, and outgoing, and she’s everything you could ever want right? And wait till she meets you. You are just the coolest guy, so witty and clever. Any time she throws you an alley-oop, you slam dunk that shit.

But none of this is true. Neither of you have ever grown the fucking balls to be the fake person you show the world. You finally interact in the real world, and it is nothing even close to how you imagined it. You talked of endless of joy, and pure romance, and a sexual undoing that would blow both of your minds. But it was all just talk.

Now, its not that these personalities, or these desires, or these feelings do not exist at all. Rather, no one works to surface them. And they never need to be surfaced, because you are already in the process of expressing them through your phone. So it feels real, because your phone is real. Social media is a real thing. But it does not exist at the same level that real human interaction does. It cannot spark your senses like real human interaction does. And you know it, everyone knows it. But that’s difference between the majority and the small few.

The majority will talk of their emotions. They will tell you how they feel over text. They will pour their heart out to you. They will beg for you to blow up their phones. They will eat up all the shit that they see on social media. They will crave someone else’s relationship. They will chase #relationshipgoals. They will say how much they want to see you, over and over and over again, but it will always seem difficult to make it happen.  They will tell you everything that is on their mind, but in reality, you will get nothing.

Because they do not know themselves in reality, and therefore, how could you?

Why are you saying one thing so passionately, and then acting in a way that goes against what you’ve expressed?

Do not tell me, show me. 

Actions will always scream a million decibels louder than words, so stop fucking talking.

You can express every cornerstone of your soul through just one look. Through your smile, your laugh. Why are you narrating a novel that is already being spoken?

Why are you creating someone that you are not. In a world that does not exist. With people that do not matter.

Stop convincing others that you are happy, and convince yourself. Quit editing your photos until you like the way you look, and learn to love yourself for who you are. Stop telling the world how you feel, and understand what you are feeling. No one actually gives a shit about your problems, so fix them yourself. This life is relentless, you cannot slide your darkness under the table and ever expect the light to reach it. You are the only owner of your life, so stop selling shares to the public.


#college

Those of you that know me, know that I try to avoid many things. Most of the things I avoid are negative, annoying, or just plain stupid. With that being said, I feel very cliche for even writing something like this, but I’m bored as hell, I have no homework, and its 3:21 PM on a Friday afternoon, so what else is there to do. The reason I have took to writing is because, for one, I enjoy it and because I feel like I have a lot to offer to college kids struggling in not only their academics, but simply, in life.

In high school, they tell you that college is going to be this and that, and they (terribly) attempt to prepare you for the next chapter of your life. They try to teach you how to properly take notes and how to create good study habits and how to take tests and just a bunch of bullshit right? Because once you get to college, you quickly learn that everything, not just what you learned, but literally everything from high school was completely irrelevant. Your grades, your image, your past, everything is irrelevant, because college is a new world. A new world that defines bitter-sweet.

One thing they don’t tell you in high school, is that your first year of college is going to consistently break you down to your lowest point, and then show you the highest high you could possibly imagine ( both literally and figuratively). I spent all of high school watching ImShmacked videos, and when i saw the video for the U of A, how could I not go there?And when I got to U of A, It was everything the ImShmacked videos promised, awesome frat houses, women that didn’t even seem real, and an environment that was #college. But there was a few bump in the roads, and things did not work out how I had planned. My first week at U of A was arguably the greatest week of my life, but I soon found myself very unhappy. Looking back, I cannot figure out why, but at the time I was so unhappy and in search for the perfect college experience that I packed up my bags and gave up on the school entirely after just a semester. I made excuse after excuse for why I was not happy, but I never blamed it on myself. So I followed my best friends, and transferred to NAU.

Now this decision was just pure idiotic. First of all, I despise the cold so that was mistake number one. Second, NAU didn’t even offer my major? I am not sure what inspired my decision to go there, but I figured, “If my friends were having the time of their lives ( which they were), why would’t I?” At first I was ecstatic to just be out of Tucson, but as the days went by I found myself sinking into the same feeling I had felt at U of A. Except this time, I was sinking even lower. I’m man enough to admit that I was very depressed, the days seemed to drag on, I was failing in a class for the first time ever, and every aspect of my life seemed to feel empty. Once again I searched for things to blame, but there was nothing else to blame, no one left to blame, except for myself.

Why do we want to succeed so bad? Why do we want to fall in love? Why do we want to have nice things? Why do we want to travel the world? We spend so much time working for these things, and why? The end result, so we hope, of all these aspects of life,  is that once we achieve these luxuries, it will make us happy. Right? Because how can you be poor, alone, and done nothing with your life and somehow remain happy. Honestly I don’t know if that’s possible, but then how do you explain those that are rich, have the world in the palm of their hands, but yet they are depressed, suicidal even?

The main thing I want you to take out of this article is that happiness is a choice. 

How the hell do you just chose to be happy?

Well first of all, stop being such a downer. Stop looking at yourself in the mirror with a blank face, look at yourself and rock that shit. Just smile. You can make yourself smile right? So just do it. When you hear your favorite song or you think the sky looks nice or you think you look fly as hell, just smile.

Ask yourself, what do you like? Do you love music? Do you like to draw? Do you enjoy writing? Whatever it is you like to do, do it more. Personally, I love to write music and rhyme words, its just cool to me. Will i ever make a career out of making music? Absolutely not, but everyone has a passion, find it and harness it. Use it as your escape.

Next, stop being so petty. This entire generation has become prone to complaining over the dumbest shit. Today is not the worst day  of your life because you don’t have make up on and the cute guy in your Psychology class just happened to finally look at you. Let the little things go. The sooner you can push the little things aside and move on, the sooner you will find that life really isn’t as hard as you make it.  We all have our bad days, but the true test of who you are is how you respond to adversity, and when you decide to stop feeling bad for yourself, you will feel much better in your own skin.

This next thing is one of the most important, and what I personally believe is what may be holding you back from a truly happy life. Learn to be alone. Learn how to be content, by yourself. During your first year of college, you will feel more alone than you ever have in your life. And that is perfectly okay. Take this time and figure out who you are. I see so many people who are ALWAYS in a relationship, or always trying to find someone to hook up with or always just so caught up in someone else’s life. But why? Honestly its pathetic. If you are someone that falls in love with a new person every 2 months you need to seriously check yourself, because I think you are actually incredibly insecure. If you think you’ve found your soulmate at this age, good for you. But if you haven’t, why are you even looking? This is the one time in our lives that we get to just live our own lives and do, whatever the hell we want. I’m sorry but the person you are at 19 in college, is not going to be the same person you are when you are 30. Stop trying to find love, and start trying to figure out how to truly be alive. College is about stepping out of your comfort zone, I’m not saying to go be bisexual for a week, but do things that make you say, Fuck it.

Ditch the toxic people in your life. Surround yourself with people that have similar ambitions. Sometimes it may seem like this world has nothing but negative people, but if you open your eyes, there are so many wonderful people out there that want to find happiness just like you do. But instead, most of you chose to let the same cold-hearted human- beings stick around and bring you down. Learn to let go.  Its astonishing to me that  people find themselves stuck in a relationship? How can you be stuck in a title? Sack up and make the decision that is best for YOU, because the longer you drag it on, the more regret you are building.

A good way to measure how happy you truly are is by how much you regret in your life. How are you going to die happy if you look back at your life and say, “Wow, I wish I would have done that.”I regret nothing in my life, because living with regret is living with unnecessary weight on your shoulders, and this life carries enough hardship as it is. Are there days that I wish I could go back to the U of A? Of course. But I don’t dwell on these feelings. I am not religious in any sort, so I can’t relate to the whole, “God has a plan” type thing, but i do believe that everything happens for a reason. Take that mindset, and roll with it.

I’m not saying that you will wake up one day and go from depressed to bliss. I am not saying that life isn’t hard, and college is definitely an uphill battle. But whenever you are down on yourself, just remember how young you are. We can afford to make mistakes, because when you do fuck up, its not the end of the world. Strengthen your mind, discover what it means for YOU to be happy. Because when it’s all said and done, and there is no more life to live, did you at least have fun?


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If you pay attention when you are talking to someone face to face, you can notice and detect the barrier they’ve put up. The lining they’ve created in an attempt to project themselves in an alternative way. You can hear the unnecessary enthusiasm in their responses to your statements, you can see the disappointment in their eyes when discussing something like school, or their job, or their relationships. It is all so noticeable, but that’s okay. Life is hard — without the ability to pretend the world would be tainted with regret, heartbreak, fear, and sadness.

Why do we lie to ourselves though? If someone asks if you are okay, and you really aren’t, sure — just say you are  fine. But when you look yourself in the eyes, when you do what all humans do and think about your life, your path, who you are — why lie to yourself?

How can you expect to grow if you don’t build on the things that are truly weak inside of you? Kids make it so obvious when they are hurting — how many times have you seen someone recently come to the end of a relationship, and suddenly they  have to tweet to the world, “Wow I haven’t been this happy in so long.” Why do that? Why lie to yourself in an attempt ( and probable success ) to hurt the other person involved– but more importantly, why hurt yourself?

Don’t sit there and ignore the aspects of your life that tear you apart when you are all alone in your room at night. Don’t text someone you think cares about you and complain or whine or pretend. Cause and effect is a very simple idea that most of us learned very early in life. Something is causing you to not be satisfied with your life, something is causing you to project your fears to the unknowing ( and uncaring ) world using a  fake persona. Something is wrong — and do not think finding a boy or girl to love you or suck away your problems is the answer — the answer can only be discovered by yourself.

Take the time to figure yourself out. Discover the variables that cause negative effects upon your life — and fucking fix it. It is your life, and once you graduate high school, there are no longer any excuses. You may not have full control of every aspect of your life — but you have an all access pass to your brain — the catalyst to who you are. For the longest time I felt sorry for myself. In all aspects of my life I’d look at myself and just question what (who) I was looking at, I wasn’t really a fan. A combination of my appearance,  my stature, and simply where I was leading myself in life. I could look at myself and smile, but the smile seemed so forced — I wanted to figure out how to look at myself at genuinely be impressed.

This goes way beyond appearance, being happy with how you look is definitely an important thing, but eventually I had to realize that mentally I was not who I wanted to be. Not to say that I am done growing, but now I can say I believe I’m on the right path. During my freshman year of college I spent so much time alone with my thoughts — a thing that really scares a lot of people. But I think because people run from silence and time to think, they miss the opportunity to pinpoint what truly is holding them back from a healthy, happy life.

I realized that my emotions were being so heavily controlled by outside sources — twitter, instagram, snapchat — I would constantly be looking at other people’s lives ( their fake lives ), and seeing someone partying or having fun or flirting  would cause me to feel just off. I almost became envious of people I hardly knew, or didn’t know at all, because I would question my life ( as I sat in my dorm room on a Friday night playing video games and doing homework ), and wonder why I’m not living the lives these other people are living.

Thankfully I was able to realize this, and I dropped off of social media for a short while because it was time to focus on my own life. Doing so enabled me to quit comparing my life to that of others, and it directed me back to the fact that really I couldn’t be in any better spot in life. I had a 4.0 GPA, I had great friends around me, and everything really was fine. But because people live glorified lifestyles and portray these false personalities to the world, it causes others to believe that their life is not up to par– and simply it is not true.

I find it fucking hilarious when I meet someone for the first time that I’ve been following on twitter, and I see them at a party and they are boring as SHIT. The party hasn’t even begun yet and they are already taking snapchats of themselves looking like they are the life of the party…while they sit there… talking to no one… wearing their fake persona for the world to see. These people are like those fake Ray bans you can buy in Mexico for 10 dollars, they look the same as real Ray bans, but really they are a piece of shit.

Live your life up to your own standards. Be your own damn person. Every friend group I see these days are a bunch of fucking clones of each other. Create your own trends. Express your own thoughts. Stop pretending to yourself and leave the fake persona at home, cause those that are really paying attention can see through your 10 dollar Ray bans.

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